India-Economic Summit and Taj Mahal

As promised, saw the “Taj Mahal” This one was made by Akbar Khan. I also praised it officially since it's failure has economic connotation.

At the India-Economic Summit, I informed the knowledgeable business leaders that we will achieve a GDP growth at 7.5 % this year. We will be targeting 10% growth in future. We will be also targeting a 20% growth in salaries at the BPOs. The rich poor divide will widen by 2 inches of waistline which amounts to 2000% in terms of average income. In Bihar the divide will cease to exist as the rich will not be able to extort money during Nitish Raj. All will be equally below poverty line. We will also see a growth in international quality movies by 300%. We made 1 this year and we will make 4 next year. I am sure that the audience was impressed as the applause did not cease till someone gave the call for drinks.

The genuineness of the applause cannot gauged easily in the land of sycophants. The longer you remain a Prime Minister in a coalition government, the easier it is to understand this.

Dan Burton, head of the Pakistan caucus in the US House met me. He is planning to support Indo – US nuclear deal if we separate our civil and military nuclear facilities. We also have to provide US of the details of capacity, location with road map, floor diagrams with details of burglar alarms, defense mechanisms and telephone numbers.

Harry Potter to do away with Bihar

As the prime minister of this nation I would like to do the following today.

• Tell all participants at the India Economic Summit to invest in Indian Politics. Higher rates of return than any other sector.


• Sell ONGC and IOC to buy Shell.


• Visit Soniaji’s house and celebrate the end of Shiv Sena. Even Sharad Pawar can join in.


• Have Volcker walk away.

Nitish cannot make a cabinet without a minister with a criminal record. I am planning to request Harry Potter to do away with Bihar by this weekend.

No one in my office knows what a Minister without a Ministry does. Will have to find out from Natwar.

Samajwadi Amitabh has been hospitalized. Samajwadi Amar is taking care of him. Who is taking care of Samajwadi UP?

From China with love

My press secretary gave me the Central Chronicle of Madhya Pradesh. Interesting headline in it “VP Singh in hospital: Manmohan visits Jogi” Amazing! I came up with a few good lines for Central Chronicle. “Uma Expected to be CM. Shivraj Chauhan sworn in”. “Singhania flies high: Drops down in Nasik to meet Raj Thackeray”. Ok that is not funny. The PM makes the headlines, the editors distorts them.

China exported 100 tones of benzene to Khabarovsk, Russia. No packing, no freight. Just a sleek slick in the river floating the right way. China has apologized to Russia for this free export. China also has exported Bird Flu and SARS in the past. I do not recall an apology for these exports.

PC (Chidambaram) is trying to lure investors at the India Economic summit. I hope they have more corporations with names like “Virgin”. We can have them invest in Tamil Nadu. They have virgin call centers there.

Raj Thackeray has resigned from the executive committee of the Shiv Sena. Bal Thackeray has managed to foster hate based politics even his family. Admirable consistency of policy. Lalu and then Balasaheb. A good weekend for the congress. Soniaji will be pleased.

Day of lewd gestures

India had a day of lewd gestures. Greg showed a finger at some unknown spectator. The Bongs of Kolkatta were making lewd gestures at the entire nation. Eden Gardens looked like a venue of CPI/M convention. In the parliament we continued to make lewd gesture over Volcker. I met Ajit Jogi in the hospital. It was a “lewdish” gesture as I cannot stand this guy. The Thackeray’s are making lewd gestures at each other. Udhav and Raj are not sophisticated like Greg. Instead of the middle finger pointing vertical upwards, in the ghati version they point the finger horizontal with rest of the fingers standing up like horns of a rhinoceros. Lalu and Paswan do not know what lewd gestures are.

This reminds me. I have to call up Deshmukh and suggest to amicablly settle the border dispute Maharashtra has with Karnataka. Mumbai also has a border dispute with UP. Bhaiya’s feel they are in majority here. Mulayam Singh is tempted!

I like the way the media is ignoring Modi’s Gujarat. Creates a nice illusion that there is no development in this rightist governed state.

Bihar GDP

Ok. Lalu called. I hid behind the curtains, below the bed, above the kitchen cabinet but still my cook found me and handed me the phone. He wanted to know what will happen to the prosperous economy of Bihar if Nitish implements his threat of having law and order in the state.

Out of Bihar’s GDP of Rs 35,667 crore, agriculture contributes Rs 13,200 crore and Industry Rs 4,133 crore. The balance Rs 18,334 crore is from services like protection, kidnapping and extortion.

We had a riotous opening session in the parliament. Over the din I could hear that BJP wanted someone’s scalp. I offered Abu’s entire body.

I tried to locate Natwar. Where does a minister without a ministry sit in the hall?

I will address the closing session of the 21st India Economic Summit. I am tired of these economic summits. I am more than a Saradrji Economist. I am the PM of India. Need to tell my cabinet about this.

Prayers working

Lalu has not called. My prayers continue to work.

The Afghan President, Mr. Hamid Karzai, called. First I thought it was about Bihar, and then I thought it was about Abu. I even wondered if it was about Volcker. Maybe it was about our economic policy. Oops…it was about the Indian driver that Taliban killed. Really sad! I remember making some perfunctory sounds about this. Anyway, I am just a Sardarji economist so I have decided to give the bereaved family some money.

Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono and I had an interesting meeting. Indonesia is the world's largest archipelagic state. It was also a police state some years back. Now it is a democratic archipelagic semi police state. Other than this there is poverty, corruption and a larger population in Indonesia. A very good business destination for Indian investment. Ambani’s will feel at home.

Heard Ganguly is back in the India team. After this series the selectors are getting him a job on ESPN.

Call Center for political anonymous

The economy is expected to grow at 7%. We are likely to get foreign investment in high tech areas. We are also going to become a center for high technology research. We will do stem research at root level. We will find application of nanotechnology at macro level. We will build software to run Microsoft and GE. We will be the call center for all…from alcoholic anonymous to politically anonymous.

Oh…Lalu lost the elections in Bihar? Oh! Did he now? I had no idea about it. I am really sad (thee thee hee he he ha ha!..) Well, I am a Sardarji economist and do not know much about politics! (Ha Ha Ha)

Next post after I stop giggling.

Indian growth model will be unique

Mr Lee Kuan Yew, the former PM of Singapore invited Infosys Chief Mentor N.R.Narayana Murthy to join politics. Murthy invited him to Bihar and Hassan (from where Deve Gauda wins election).

We were at the Jawaharlal Nehru Memorial Lecture and most us were committed to saying nice things. Everyone agreed that India could no longer be ignored. Most of the Railway accidents, Tsunami and earthquakes are happening here. We still do not have as many air accidents, but we have just started liberalizing the skies.

Earlier, when Mr. Yew visited the Infosys campus Mr. Murthy praised Singapore. He said "Singapore has clearly proved that the only raw materials required for economic progress are leadership, aspiration, imagination, meritocracy, openness to learn from others, focus on benchmarking on a global scale, hard work and discipline.” It also requires a smaller population. It also requires an area less than Delhi.

I am clear that the Indian growth model will be unique, like over non violent freedom struggle.

India to stay in Asia

No need for India to move to North America. Neighbors are
planning to have cordial relations. President Rajapaksa of Sri Lanka has promised this.

I saw J. Jayalalithaa on Aaj Tak’s Sidhi Bat. Jayalalithaa who was Jayalalitha till numerology made her Jayalalithaa continued to behave and communicate like Jayalalitha even when she is Jayalalithaa. Communicating in series of clichés like “TN is a force to reckon with” and “we want to be the numero uno” Jayalalithaa was so very Jayalalithaaaaaa… Prabhu Chawla was a bit mellowed. He did not ask her if she is a virgin.

I am set for an exciting week ahead. Lalu will be loosing the elections in Bihar and is likely to be hopping mad around Rail Bhawan. He is going to chug chug his way into some prison if Nitish comes to power. This will create one more vacancy in my cabinet. Khushboo, Volcker, Abu, Monica and Greg’s boys are also around incase Bihar elections do not meet the expectation of this week.

Did Abu name Azharuddin? I am the Prime Minister and I still do not know!

Move India to North America

Ok, today is a Sunday and I am baffled. Usually I am baffled, but this Sunday I am double baffled. Which makes me baffled baffled!

• At SAARC I noticed the neighborhood we live in. Time to move India to North America.
• Volcker is hiding behind Abu and Monica. He will remerge with the Pathak report unless Abu confesses to something more interesting then making movies.
• Thank God Islamic clerics and Sania continue to skirt the issue
• French mineral water brand Evian is to remerge. It is to lead the luxury segment of bottled drinking water.
• Pre-marital sex has a good political market. Ayodhya and Italian origins retain their presence.
• Greg Chappell
• Peaceful elections in Bihar. Media awaiting violence is disappointed

All said and done I have to give my opinion on Harry Potter – Goblet of Fire as the Prime Minster of a country with a large population under the age of 18. It is “Matrix” if you have not read the book. But it was fun. Next time I will take some children along if the censors give the movie a complete U certificate.

The Khushboo controversy in the Tamil Nadu

I do not want to discuss the Khushboo controversy. I am not the Atal who writes the Tamil poetry in the Hindi. I am just the Sardarji who is also the prime minister. After watching the debate hosted by the Srinivasan Jani on the issue of the Khushboo on the NDTV I have concluded, the Tamil Nadu will not be the land of the English. It will not have the pre-martial sex. It will not have the Call Center. It will also not have the reputation.

I have still not the got the over that why the CPI can the support pre marital sex but cannot the support my the Liberalization plan. I am the confused. I am the surprised is that Khushboo is the fat!

Virgin Mother Ministers

I spent the day making inconsequential changes to the cabinet.
Did Jayalalitha ever have sex? All Tamil film stars marry virgins. Some of them become virgin Chief Ministers. They are called Mother Ministers. Virgin Mother Ministers. Did anyone notice the glowing stars in the skies of Tamil Nadu?

Harry Potter – Taj Mahal weekend

Beginning of a Harry Potter – Taj Mahal weekend…I am ready to get ignored by the media. I may watch both the movies and review them for our next Cabinet meeting. PC (Chidambaram) is checking on the economic consequence of Taj Mahal flopping. He will report to me tomorrow after reading “Screen”.

Khushboo, means fragrance in Hindi. It continues to mean trouble in Tamil.

So much for stuff of National Importance.

"I am here to talk to you. Nowadays, I rarely address rallies, and it is possible that I will only address the Dussehra rally from now on,'' said Thackeray. Should I feel relieved? Or should only the Police Commissioner of Mumbai feel the relief?

Clinton says Iraq was a big Mistake. Natwar agreed. He wants Clinton back as the President of the free world.

The Jew

Israeli Ex-Prime Minister Ehud Barak dropped by. Quite a charismatic guy. We had Parle Biscuits and Lipton Tea together. He eats his biscuits by dipping them in the tea. He is here to attend the Hindustan Times leadership summit. He was also here to ask me if we will vote for a nation which has threatened to wipe Israel off the face of this earth. Will we? I briefed him about Indian political parties. He was also surprised that there is a democratic communist party. He was surprised that BJP lost the last elections. I still like this guy.

Lost in Translation

A majority of American adults think that China, rather than India, would be a superpower in ten years. This is as per a Harris poll. The Americans polled also think that Pakistan is in Kashmir and Mongolia is a king. This was not reported in the Harris poll.

Vikram Doraiswami (my PS) gave me this report with his comments on it. He is quite intelligent. His prognoses are:

• Lost in Translation – Most of China is lost this way and what remains are images of Shanghai.
• From Russia with love: Beijing may remind you of St Petersburg. Grand, powerful and something missing.
• The long and winding road: Progress on Indian roads is a bumpy ride full of potholes of an infant democracy. Chinese road are as smooth (like in USSR?). Near the horizon we see a huge speed breaker followed by a deep valley called democracy.

Well, hope this Thursday goes well for India. My wife prayed for victims of train accidents. My driver prayed for the Delhi traffic which he jams all the time. My cook prayed for Volcker…he now thinks it is a German delicacy and is planning to make one for us. I am worried.

Vikram wanted to know if Abu Salem actually watched all the movies he made. This Sardarji had no answer!

Chalu Vir

Look who Vir invited to HT leadership Summit and invited me a day earlier!

Hair and Monitors

It is not just the length of the hair that I have in common with the President. We also use similar size monitors to demystify the functioning of our nation.

Railway Accident!

One has to be important to get invited to Hindustan Times Leadership Summit. I guess the Prime Minister of India is important.

I found out the purpose of the Summit on the HT website before making the speech. Here it is for your constipation: “Hindustan Times launched the Leadership Summit - an annual conference that seeks to enhance the level of discussion on pressing issues, encourage interaction among leaders in various areas and present international quality thought platforms, as part of its mission to contribute to thought leadership and evolve action plans for a secure and better future”…phew!

Actually Vir Sanghvi meant: Let us get some good ideas from great thinkers to make things work.

Anyways, I made a good speech. I said “India must walk on two legs for development” this caught the attention of the media. One leg called developing the rural areas will be ignored by the media from tomorrow. India will limp along.

L K Advani said it was essential to end the prevailing cynicism that nothing could be done regarding money power and corruption in the country. Good. First step in this direction will be to build a temple, I bet.

Soniaji said that she will punish Natwar if he is guilt. She will make him a Governor without a state.

2 Kids died in Railway accident. Laloo and Railways have nothing to do with our two legged development. We need not mention this here.

Sleepless in Jehanabad

Could not get much sleep last night! The demonstration at JNU by the left against my economic policies which the left does not allow me to implement was vociferous but not innovative...they are same since 1950! Good, there will not be many communist in the advertising industry.

If you have seen the picture of Mona Das the president of the JNU students union you may see the uncanny resemblance to Mamta. Ok, I know Mamta is not a communist…but isn’t she a general nuisance?

But I did not loose my sleep over this. Jehanabad was the jolt. I am amazed at my inability to do something about a national calamity called Bihar.

Better qualified PM

Advaniji is searching for a PM better qualified than this…click here.

I am back!

I am back. So is Abu. Where is Volcker? Saw his picture on page 3. Where is page 3? It is the front page today. But I am back…that’s on page 12.

Hum SAARC SAARC Hai!

Held one on one meeting with some SAARC leaders. Aziz wanted to know the next movie release of Rani Mukherjee. Said he wanted to impress Musharraf with this intelligence. I told him to stop sending terrorist across the borders. He told me to stop David Dhawan from making movies.

King Dr. Gyanendra who has been awarded a doctorate in literature by Russian Automobile and Highway Institute, also known as the State Technical University said that Nepal is a democratic country. His is the sole vote.

Abu Salem is singing. Looks like Aziz’s wish of seeing the entire Indian film industry in Pakistan will be fulfilled.

Abu Salem never bribed cops

I saw the list of movies produced by Abu Salem. Impressive! I am discovering that we have a hidden reservoir of talent in the underworld. I was also wondering what I would do if I was a film producer and a mafia don told me to take Rs 200 million to produce a movie while pointing a gun at my head. Since I am a Sardar I would have chosen to be shot dead but the film industry is not run by Sardars and they have chosen to make the movies.

So far, Abu has not named a single cop that he has bribed. Likely he had the ministers bribe the cops.

Things are fine in Dhaka. Even the Bangla press is ignoring us.

Abu Salem and Volcker

Ok. I checked it out. Abu Salem has no information which can implicate Natwar. He was not in touch with Volcker from the Portugal prison. Nor does he have information on Dawood. He may have some information on Sanjay Dutt which he obtained by watching India TV. Just kidding…actually Salem is going to sing. All my colleagues are pissing in their regional garb of dhoti, lungi and lengha.

We all made lot of speeches in Dhaka. Very poor TRP rating. I stifled a couple of yawns during my own speech. Darn, we should have had Sharukh perform between these speeches. I have suggested to Aziz that next time around we should club it with IIFA awards.

Dr Gyanendra indicated that I should stop shooting my mouth off as Nepal is not a failed state. He has passed the exam of literature by Russian Automobile and Highway Institute, also known as the State Technical University to obtain the Doctorate. Even his aide is giggling.

Lalu is a “Vikas Purush”

Recently I lied that Lalu is a “Vikas Purush” . Advaniji is attacking me on this; I think there are many not-so-obvious lies being propagated in Bihar. He should be busy doing a “parda-farsh” on these rather then attacking my humble “oh-so-obvious” lie. I and PC Chidy (Chidambaram) fasted for a day after I said this.

Anyways, things are fine in Dhaka. We are secured form each other at the SAARC but I did see King Gyanendra lurking outside my door. Aziz is constantly taking calls in the corridor and I overheard “bhai” being mentioned in the conversation. Begum Khaleda Zia and her security entourage remind me of Jaya. More than that I wonder if Begum Khaleda Zia security is to safeguard her or get me. Amazing! We are living in a neighborhood with no friends. President Chandrika Kumaratunga, an experienced terrorist target is feeling the safest here.

I also found out that King Gyanendra has been awarded a doctorate in literature by Russian Automobile and Highway Institute, also known as the State Technical University. I thank God for making me a sardar as the beard hides my uncontrollable monkey grin every time I see Dr Gyanendra.

I will have to call the CBI and the cops in Mumbai and find out if Abu Salem is going to provide information on Volcker report.

13th SAARC summit

I am off to Dhaka for the 13th SAARC summit. This city is like Calcutta. One can experience 1940’s in traffic and politics.

I will be meeting Prime Minister Mr. Aziz. We will discuss the ransom for a Pakistan High Commission official's son who has not been kidnapped. I will call myself Nirbhay Manmohan during this meeting.

I will also be meeting Bangladesh Prime Minister Khaleda Zia. This is little easier then meeting Aziz who has nuclear bombs. I will try to push her around and tell her to stop all the illegal immigrants to settling in Mumbai. Can’t they try Bihar for a change? We may even give them voting rights!

Paul Adolph Volcker

My secretary gave me a profile of Paul Adolph Volcker printed from Wikipedia. Two problems came out of this, I noticed the middle name Adolph and saw an opportunity for Natwar to use it in a foreign policy statement. Second, I requested my secretary to train me on how to navigate on a printed web page where each word is a link.

K R Narayanan

Ex-President K R Narayanan is dead! Wrong folks keep dieing in India. Yamraj has a dislike for terrorist, corrupt politicians and more corrupt bureaucrats. When will he start picking the scum and leave the good guys around? Maybe after Justice Raghunandan Swarup Pathak, former chief justice of India and former judge of International Court of Justice (ICJ) exonerates Natwar from all the charges made by Volcker (who is definitely not a tank)

Lalu a minister for Railways without trains

After this accident in Jharkhand, I am all for declaring Lalu a minister for Railways without trains.
Click here to read the news...better click the Google advertisement for the satire relief fund!

IPO without a corporation

This is politics. See the picture? No, I am not embarrassed!. I was in Bihar and I discussed strategy with Lalu as per The Hindu. Actually, with Natwar becoming a Minister without a ministry, I was exploring if Lalu would like to become Railway Minister without trains? Or may be he would like to become the railway minister for railway stations only? Or just may be he would like to become the minister of Railway Catering Services only so I can have coke in earthen pots (kulhars).

PC (Chidambaram) the architect of making Natwar a minister without a ministry is exploring the possibility of having an IPO without a corporation. Brokers in Mumbai really have taken a liking for this guy. I am impressed with his ingenuity.

Nirbhay day

Nirbhay Gujjar was gunned down by cops. I sacked Nirbhay Natwar and took over external affairs (External affairs is not a name of a Nirbhay David Dhawan movie). I have nothing to worry from Nirbhay Volcker (and is not a tank!)

Nirbhay Ganguly is fighting to come back into the India team which makes him Nirbhay Nirbhay! Meanwhile Nirbhay Virender Sehwag and Nirbhay Yuvraj may get a call from Nirbhay selectors soon.

I met Samuel J. Palmisano, the Chairman and CEO of IBM. He has great plans for IBM and more interesting plans for IBM in India. He can rest Nirbhay that unless the PM is Nirbhay Comrade Surjit or Nirbhay Comrade Sitaram Yechury he can do business here. He also has to avoid sops from Karnataka government as it is not liked by Nirbhay Deve Gauda.

Volcker is a tank

I will have to get someone to check if Tata, Reliance and Kirlosakars are mentioned in the annexure or the main body of the Volcker report. Big advertisers like Reliance will be only taken on by the media if they are mentioned in the main body of the report. Unlike Natwar who will be beaten to pulp even if he is mention in the postscript.

Volcker is not a car…turning out to be a tank.

Touring next year

I am planning to visit a Dhaka, Valetta (Malta), Moscow and Kuala Lumpur in the coming year. Pranab will not need an interpreter in Dhaka. Some cost saving. He will inaugurate a Bonglish school there.

Natwar may be with me if he survives Volcker. My personal opinion is that no one should resign over a wrong doing mentioned in an annexure. It is too demeaning to be accused in an annexure. And now it is absolutely certain that Volcker is not an automobile.

It was a quite Sunday. Internet usage is increasing. Most of the folks have a blog for exactly 2 posts. I also noticed that most websites are like Indian postal regulations…last updated when created.

Shahabuddin’s arrest

Called up Laloo to congratulate him on Shahabuddin’s arrest I am impressed with his tenacity. He has still not expelled Mohammed Shahabuddin from his party after the 34 cases and a final arrest. But a lot of folks want me to sack Natwar.

Soniaji dropped in to discuss the developments in Natwar’s case. I have begun to wish that Volker was a name of a car.

Volcker is not a car

Volcker is not a car. He is a former chief of the US Federal Reserve. Does that make an accusation by him more credible than a denial by India’s Foreign Minister? Also, I found out on television that he was not even aware that Natwar is India’s foreign minister. Generally, the “general knowledge” of Americans is limited to their learning’s on Oprah Winfrey show so he is aware of Aishwarya Rai. Anyway he is definitely not a car as my cook thought.

I really see no need to sack Natwar. I want to sack all CPI and RJD ministers which I cannot!

Volcker is a car

Google News does not have much to say about what I did today. My driver’s wife came in to wish me a happy Eid and wanted to know if Natwar will survive. I was very embarrassed and asked her to check with my cook. My cook thinks that Volcker is a car.

I watched some television today. There are some 27 news channels with nothing to report…I am worried.

Condolences this Diwali

Got quite a few condolence letters this Diwali! Putin, Bush, Blair, Chirac…the list is endless. All offered their support, sympathy and solidarity in fighting the vicious terrorist who are committed to destroying the free world. Putin forgot to change the date in the letter and it even mentioned Akshardham once. Chirac changed the date and font but the rest of the content was same as the one he had sent after the parliament attack to Atalji. Bush does not have a format which includes the date and location of attack and I can never make out his signature. Blair wrote a fresh letter. He is likely to do a “save as” next time…

By the way, in this post you can see how Bush’s signature looks like. This is the Arabic version. He has kept the English version for Blair only.

A lot of things happening in my nation. Azad became the CM of Kashmir. Now we too have an Azad Kashmir!

Jaya called. She wants Rs 1120 Cr for relief. Rs 1000 CR for relief to the Tamil Film industry and rest to repair roads in Chennai.

BJP wants me to drop Natwar…from what height?

Get this guy for the nation

The suspect in the Delhi blasts

Natwar survived the Diwali

Natwar survived the Diwali. I stood by him. Getting a bit tiring at this age standing by Soniaji, Laloo, Natwar, Shivraj and sometimes even Buta. I will have soon sit down and then firmly stand up!

These records (check them by clicking here) did not survive Diwali due to Dhoni. Amazing list for a wicket keeper!

Good wishes to all of you. I am proud that the Sensex touched 8000 without one good reason.

Justice Y K Sabharwal was sworn in Chief Justice of India. He will have a good time on the bench…till he is called in to play hard ball on a death penalty case.

Musharraf calls up

Musharraf called up. He offered to help in investigating the Delhi bomb blast by sending the crack team which has expertise in not finding Osama Bin Laden. I am impressed. He is even willing to send the Karachi police team which has not been able to find the mansion of Dawood Ibrahim.

I offered the Indian Railway Minister to run the railways in Pakistan.

I reminded him of his famous U Turn. “58 year old President Pervez Musharraf to turn 57 in August 2002 in keeping up with the world policy of taking U turns in the fight against terrorism.”

I am really pissed off!