Monday, July 31, 2006

Arab proof passports!

Indians in general are very cruel to animals. PETA has managed to have Indian leather boycotted by American retail giants Kenneth Cole and Liz Claiborne. We slaughter our animals inhumanely. Sometimes we even kill them before taking their hide off!

Death of children in Lebanon is distressing. Israel agrees! So does USA! So does Hezbollah! So does Hamas! I too agree with it. But the bombing will begin again after a 24 hour break….

Precision bombing by Israel?

Vayalar Ravi, Union minister for overseas Indian affairs is taking steps to protect the Indian laborer from being burnt to death in the Middle East. Arab proof passports are on the anvil.

I am still not sure who the mole is. Jaswant, it is actually quite simple to pick up the phone and whisper the name into my ear!

Have a great week!

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Golmaal!

Pakistan has given me a list of terror camps in India. Most of them are in Filmcity, Goregaon. Using Google Earth for making lists is not a smart move.

Usually Prime Ministers do not recommend movies, but today I will. Try Golmaal. It was relief for me! The burden of being an intellectual Sardarji Economist Prime Minister was removed and I enjoyed it!


Saturday, July 29, 2006

VP from Teen Murti

V P Singh told the media that Indian would become a US puppet if the nuclear deal goes through. He was at his Teen Murti residence. First Murti is called Mandal, second is Bofors and third murti is a variable, at the moment it looked like Sitaram Yechury.


VP from Teen Murti. Embedded in his thoughts!

Attended and spoke at the NDTV Profit awards. I pointed out during my speech that Indian business did well after the nation almost went bust and we pledged gold in 1991! Maybe we are headed for another big surge in growth with terrorism, reservation, infrastructure and disinvestment all headed in a wrong direction! Great opportunity! Mukesh was listening.

Have a good weekend!

Friday, July 28, 2006

Yogita from Jaipur!

Yogita from Jaipur who worked as a stewardess for Sahara Airlines breached the security at my residence. I have been telling Jaswant all along that all this mole business is nonsense. You have to just drive in and pick up secrets at 7, Race Course.

Affirmative action is on the cards. Private sectors will have to show the number of SC/ST/OBC they have on their roles in their balance sheets. The will also have to show profits.

Sometimes, I too feel I should have not voted for congress. There is too much of discriminatory politics.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Whiskey through the Kidneys!

Our bureaucrats do not want all to see their honest notings on official documents. We have amended the Right to Information act to protect their freedom to scribble in secret.

Why would you like to see this?

Some whiskey went missing during my last official flight back from Germany. The security officers are still hunting for it. I think we should forget about this whiskey, which by now would have passed through someone’s kidneys. My Air India crew bought 29 bottles of whiskey while in Germany. German whiskey is very popular with the crew that fly me!



I told the Lok Sabha members that we are willing to debate the Indo-US nuclear deal. It is totally transparent. Only Rice knows the reality. I will find out soon. It is unlikely that Bush will ever!

The Israeli bombings of Lebanon are off the mark. They have now started bombing UN observers claiming that they looked like ordinary Arab civilians.


Israeli guided missile vision! All Arabs look like this!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Men in White!

Jaswant has still not told me the name of the mole. I actually do not want to hear it. It puts the onus on me to do something about it, which I will not be able to.

There is a rumor in the capital that Mumbai is going to wear white today. This is to commemorate victims of mismanagement by the Municipal Corporation last year which deluged the city and inefficiency of the security agencies this year.


Men in White! Women fine in any color!

CPI (M) says that this is a HLL conspiracy. Wearing white in monsoons? Advantage Surf!


Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Tilt right and kick start!

Hum Sath Sath Hai!

Samajwadi Jaya Bachchan was sworn into the Rajya Sabha. Her husband Samajwadi Amitabh along with Samajwadi Mulayam and Samajwadi Amar watched from the sidelines. I still have to figure out if I should buy products whose brand ambassador is a Samajwadi.

Rahul Bajaj made his debut as a parliamentarian today. Remember Bajaj Chetak? It had to be tilted to the right before kick starting it?

Puerto Rican beauty Zuleyka Rivera wins Miss Universe crown, faints, recovers, vows to irradiate AIDS and then poverty, or maybe poverty first and then AIDS. She will later act in American and Latino movie!

Just before fainting she looked like Angelina Jolie

Neha Kapur made it to the top 20 and disappeared after that. Yes, India is in the top 20 but we need to reform, have courage and disinvest get to us beyond that.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Thunder storms in the Monsoon session

A survey conducted by Indian Express found that I am a mediocre, spineless, honest leader and most the nation thinks Soniaji is in-charge at the PMO. This stuff could have been found without doing any survey.They could have done it by reading this blog! It is a terrible waste of resources.

Ok I have got my rain gear in order as the Monsoon session of the Parliament begins today. A couple of heavy thunder storms on terrorism, a few heavy showers on minority appeasement plan and a scattered showers on pay commission and minority count in the judiciary are expected. Terrorism may cause water logging like they have in Mumbai. It may stop traffic. But the resilience of the Indian Parliament will prevail and we shall wade through the sewage water like the Mumbaikars do!

Monsoon session!

Have a great week!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Lets go after Inzi!

Pakistan’s foreign minister Khurshid Mohammed Kasuri says that we should be more innovative in making our demands. Asking to handover of underworld don Dawood Ibrahim and Hizbul chief Syed Sallahudin is so boring and lacks imagination. Also, the fact that this is repeated after each terrorist attack in India makes the demand a baseless knee jerk reaction.

We will use our imagination; next time lets go after Inzamamul Haq. We can improve our cricket team.

Does asking for Javed Miandad qualify as imaginative? His son is married to Dawood Ibrahim’s daughter.

Javed, available?

Spoke to the President. Told him that we do not want his opinion on the Office of Profit bill. We have Soniaji who is our President, who has already given her opinion. We are sending the bill back without correcting the spelling mistakes.

We looked like idiots in the eyes of the world by banning irrelevant blogs. The banned list had five dead URLs and one Japanese language blog. We learnt a lot from this mistake. Next time we will just pull the plug on the Internet.

I have selected the best of banned sites for your entertainment this Sunday. http://rahulyadav.com/index.htm

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Can a foreigner play Soniaji?

We have served a legal notice on film director Jagmohan Mundhra to stop him from making a film on the Sonia Gandhi. Our first objection is that they have not found an Indian actress to play the Italian born Soniaji. How can a foreigner play Soniaji?

Have a nice weekend. Try to avoid Jaswant’s book and partisan news channels. We will provide you with the best entertainment in the parliament as per this plan.


Friday, July 21, 2006

Tol Mole ke Bol

Ok. Some of the ISPs have still not figured out how to unblock the blog sites. Tiwari was wondering if they could just reboot the servers and solve the problem.

Musharraf gave a good speech. He needs evidence that the perpetrators of the Mumbai blast were supported by Pakistan. Honestly, I have told him so many times that the Indian Muslim is too poor to do all this. RDX? An automatic gun for Rs 100,000/- ? Rs 300 per bullet? With this kind of money my Indian Muslim would start a stall on “Linking road” selling “export quality” lingerie. It is simple. You can misguide an Indian Muslim to keep a bomb on a train but you cannot make him buy it!

I have given my nod for setting up the Sixth Pay Commission! This nod was given by moving my head up and down. After we experience the impact of Rs. 20,000 crore on the Central exchequer my nod will be from left to right.

Jaswant Singh's book says US had a mole in Rao’s PMO. Tiwari also has one below his right eye.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

I cannot hear you!

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

2 minute silence continues!

We, as a policy, have converted the 2 minute silence into a “maun vrat”. The blogs are still down!

Most of my ministers think that a blog is made of RDX. Lalu thinks it is a name of a cow and Arjun thinks it is a upper class perk.

What is most amazing is that Kapil as a Minister of Science and Technology has completely failed in developing technology which block specific blogs. We still continue block domains. Why are we blaming Shivraj or DoT, we have to blame Kapil! Anyone who does not understand this obnoxious logic is not fit to be in my cabinet!

Cooking sites unsecular!

I feel like the Prime Minister of China today. We have blocked all blogs. We have converted Mumbai into Shanghai in one stroke. Should we have banned a few TV channels and newspapers too? I have to think about it. We need to be like China.

G8 is very impressed with our record on democracy and non proliferation. Bush is going to blog about it; unfortunately I will read it after Shanghai in India again becomes Mumbai.

I am not loosing my sleep over this block. A negligible portion of computer users in India blog and we are not loosing any votes with this. We are just following our vision of being Chinese.

Tiwari won’t be able to cook for me. He was using online cooking sites which are blocked. Describing food as Jain, Hindu or Islamic is not very secular and may lead to communal unrest.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

India TV not blocked by KGB

My ministers have decided to block a few blogs. We have to compete with China in the technology of filtering the internet.

I heard Narendra’s speech. "Zee News" and "India TV" are not blocked by KGB in Russia.

Modi said there is a difference between a Sardar (Me) and a Sardar (Patel). He said I am spineless. He also said we should have POTA back. He also said that we practice vote bank politics. He also reminded the crowd about the hypocrisy of “Five star” activism. Good Job. I do not have any problems with this but Rajnath may loose his job if Modi continues like this.

G8 guys are ok. We are giving out the right sound bytes about Mumbai blast - Dutiya. Some interesting sound bytes were caught unaware by microphones. Or is it another Russian conspiracy?

Monday, July 17, 2006

D5

Congress is suggesting that we should make Narendra Modi the president of BJP in Israel. He will be at home there. But, today he will be in Mumbai. We will have to wait and see what Abu Azmi does. Communal harmony may become communal cacophony if Abu will play his band.

I feel very insulated and secured in Saint Petersburg with G8. Tiwari is impressed that he is visiting the first city that is a Saint. He says Russia is religiously advanced than India. He and I are hopeful for some prasadam.

When I hear the outrageous statements from Mulayam about SIMI, I wonder if he, Amar, Amitabh, Roy and Anil together have the same belief and value system. I have decided to call them D5 – The Desi Five.

We have an interesting week ahead. Please stay alive if you are living in Mumbai. If you are Abu Azmi, please stay home. If you run an FII, please plan Index fluctuation between 10,000 and 12,000. And Soniaji, please continue running the nation!


Sunday, July 16, 2006

Rs 30,000/- for being arrested.

Now that the President Abdul Kalam and Narendra Modi are going to visit Mumbai the city will be completely secured. Add Potholes, road widening and visiting VIPs, you get complete security. Anti Terrorist Squad calls this the “Zero movement security”.

Samajwadi Party leader Abu Asim Azmi says that the cops are targeting the Muslims. All Muslims are not terrorist! I agree. But most terrorist are Muslims. What about that?

Mumbai police wants to be secular. Roy is planning to arrest two Gujarati, two Marawri and two Marathi speaking youths to demonstrate secularism in their quest to solve the Mumbai Serial Bomb Blast- Dutiya. Roy also planned to arrest a Sindhi but he said he was not willing unless police paid him Rs 30,000/- for being arrested.

I will be in St. Petersburg and will watch the fun from there.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

LeT is a football team

In my pervious cabinet meeting one theory purported by Arjun Singh and A. R. Antulay is that the Sangh Parivar is the perpetrator of the Mumbai Serial blast – Dutiya. Very interesting! Mulayam Singh Yadav says SIMI is a student’s organization and LeT is their football team.

I had a good trip to Mumbai. All roads are well dug. Quite difficult for the terrorist to get anywhere! Andheri-Kurla road would be like crossing the LOC. I met the BMC officials and congratulated them on their anti-terror activities. I also met the hordes of people impacted by the blast, hordes investigating the blast and hordes reporting on the blast.

I am off to the G8 summit where US will plot to takeover the world. Being not taken over is as challenging as driving down Andheri-Kurla road.

Have a great weekend!

Friday, July 14, 2006

Muhammad Ali Jinnah

I think the bomb blast were the handy work of miscreants who wanted to divide the country along the communal lines…with this logic Muhammad Ali Jinnah was a miscreant. But I am not saying this.

I will be in Mumbai…a wake to attend after each blast.

I think the weekend will get the country out of the gloom and return the focus on OBC reservation. Or may be I will suggest something to Arjun.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Mumbai blasts - Dutiya

I am impressed with the national news media. Their neutrality and their unrelenting focus on showing how Muslim groups helped the victims of the Mumbai blasts - Dutiya, pointing out that many victims were Muslims and Javed Akhtar is also a Muslim helped in keeping Mumbai communal calm.

I also made a small speech which praised the resilience and courage of everybody who was impacted by Mumbai Blast Dutiya. I have special sympathy for Ritesh Deshmukh’s father, as folks will now go after his job.

President Musharraf has decided that after Mumbai Blast Dutiya, during his next visit, he will travel by local trains in Mumbai as a confidence building measure (CBM)

Since I am spineless Sardarji Prime Minister who knows economics I will not do much now. I will huddle together with my cabinet colleagues and issue another statement tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Winter Olympics for tropical Dummies

Ok, I know Agni III and INSAT-4C failed. I can safely vouch that none of the politicians had interfered in there design. Quite surprising!

Tiwari, my cook finished his “Football for Dummies” exactly a day after the world cup final. He is now going to take up “Ice hockey for dummies” and “Winter Olympics for tropical Dummies”


Figures skating simplified, “just clutch her and spin her around”! Just like football was “kick the ball to the other side”


Monday, July 10, 2006

Women and Rodents not allowed!

Scientific Advisory Council told me that we are loosing our scientific edge to China. I told then we would have Arjun immediately act on it and induce talent into the arena.

What is the role of government in religious reforms? This is a good question I can ask in the parliament and get sacked.

I heard Sabarimala temple is going to be cleansed after Jaimala claimed to have touched the presiding deity. I hope they also complete pest control along with the cleansing process. This will also keep the rodents from touching the deity. The Rodents have been sleeping with quite a few deities in Indian temples.

Soniaji had a good weekend. Why?

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Stalin

Sundays are the only days I can worry peacefully. Weekdays and Saturdays I have to worry while doing some work. I find the worrying without intrusive call from Soniaji, Karunanidhi and Laluji better than worrying with their calls.

By the way, have you ever wondered why Karunanidhi has named his son Stalin and not Lenin or Gorbachev?
KGB (Karunanidhi's Great Beta) Stalin!

On July 11, I will visit Kolkata. After reaching Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose International Airport I will drive straight to Salt Lake to lay the foundation of the National Institute of Science Education and Research. I will rush back to the airport, clamber onto Air Force 1 and then go to the toilet. Using communist toilets is a bigger challenge than disinvestment.

Finally, I have to mention, Soniaji is not available for any meeting this evening. She does not even play football and she is definitely not Italian!

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Resigned!

I am not going to resign today. I have only resigned on my principles, my values and vision. But I have yet to resign as a Prime Minister.

I am also resigned to the fact is that the Indian middle class, much like the Indian Political Class, is selfish, inward looking and spineless.

Why cannot the middle class who has been receiving the major benefit of the reform protest? Tiwari says that they are too busy reading and watching sex scandals from Wilson to Patna.

Enron Corp. founder Kenneth Lay died a natural death. Most people expected Yamraj to fly down and pound him to death. Enron is an interesting study. Other than making complex deals with MSEB, Venkat dug a list of a few of the products they traded:

# Advertising Risk Management
# Bandwidth
# Broadband Services
# Building Services
# Credit Risk Management
# Crude Oil & Products
# Electricity / Power
# Emission Allowances
# Energy Outsourcing
# Energy Asset Management
# Enron Intelligent Network
# Facility Management
# Forest Products
# Freight
# Media Risk Management
# Metals
# Natural Powers of Gas
# Lumber
# Oil & LNG Transportation
# Petrochemicals
# Plastics
# Power
# Principal Investments
# Pulp & Paper
# Risk Management for Commodities
# Shipping / Freight
# Steel
# Streaming Media
# Water & Wastewater
# Weather Risk Management
# Wind Energy

I wonder who was handling their call center!

Friday, July 07, 2006

Smoking banner Aims at AIIMS!

I have not been keeping in good humor. This is because I am focusing on my accomplishments as a Prime Minister. I also fantasize of being a real Prime Minister. All this is rather depressing.

I am meeting Lakshmi Mittal today. I hope he thinks I am the Prime Minister. If he thinks I am the PM we will watch Corporate together!

Yesterday I put disinvestment on hold…not one guy in the cabinet is pro-disinvestment and just to think that Atalji had a ministry for this!

I think of the hue and cry that resulted out of a forced reduction in fees of IIM by Murli Manohar Joshi and then I think of OBC reservation, sacking the Director of AIIMS, the draft broadcast bill, the FBT, complicating Saral…

Ramadoss's accomplishments

Aim -> AIIMS - > Dr P Venugopal. Sacked

Banned smoking in movies so we can never see Sharon

I am not at all feeling funny today. I should have been nominated to be the General Secretary of the UN. That is a better job!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Amir Khan’s opinion requested

Maulana Bukhari blasted Mulayam's Samajwadi Party and the Congress for "neglecting" minorities' interests at the inauguration of the newly-founded UP United Democratic Front (UDF).

Advaniji has not stopped smiling, then grinning, then smiling and then grinning since he heard this news. His glee makes him look like my picture on this page.

Bukhari said the need for the UDF arose because the political parties did not pay heed to the demands of the Muslims. I have the list of his demands when he met me last time. I am glad to reproduce them for your amusement.

# Economic package for riot-hit Muslims on the line of one given to victims of 1984 anti-Sikh riots
# Reservation of jobs for Muslims in central and state governments.
# Immediate release of Muslims detained under Prevention of Terrorism Act in Gujarat and Maharashtra.
# Immediate halt to alleged atrocities on Muslims in Assam on the plea of checking foreign nationals
# Restoration of the minority status for Aligarh Muslim University.
# Unconditional talks with "popular and responsible" leaders of Kashmir.
# Evacuation of illegal occupants from Waqf properties

He also wanted Indian to support Iran!

I want to hear Amir Khan’s opinion on this lethal national issue. Venkat, please call up and ask Amir to voice his opinion courageously on TV!

I and Tiwari had a chat this morning. He told me that Udit Narayan had visited Patna to meet to meet his first wife who was not his wife. Tiwari said that the first wife who is not his wife has a sister who is married to his brother and this sister is his brother’s wife. Yes, terrific! But then why the first wife who is not the wife wants to be the first wife?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Secular Jony

The Media is busy covering Mumbai. Ritesh Deshmukh’s father and BMC commissioner Jony Joseph were covered under it. There was plenty to cover everybody. We could have even accused Amitabh for not paying his taxes resulting in Milan subway being waterlogged each monsoon for the last 20 years!

“Jony Joseph” is a very attractive name which can be flaunted to demonstrate our secular credentials. An entire city aspiring to Shanghai has its streets waterlogged, garbage floating across SV road, people stranded in trains all lead by a secular Jony.

Pakistan is confident that I will be visiting them soon. They have been confident about it since the last six months.

North Korea test launched six missiles last night. I hope this does not mean they have launched trouble for the Indo-US nuclear deal!


This is not the BMC commissioner

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

PM or FM

Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki is likely to visit India for two days from July 19. I have to decide whether I will be the Prime Minister or the Foreign Minister during his visit. If I am the Prime Minister, I can refuse to meet him. If I am the Foreign Minister, he will ask me questions about the Iran-Pak-Indo pipe line which only the Prime Minister can answer. But then, I will have to check Soniajis schedule during this period.

Talking about Iran, I found a picture of a girl we all know on an Iranian dating site.

WTO, Kamal Nath and the intentions of the developed country have to examined closely, I told Tiwari this morning. Tiwari provided an instant solution!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Welcome to a new week

Welcome to a new week. The rain required in Vidarbha is pouring in Mumbai. Delhi is dry.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Busy Sunday

Had a busy Sunday. My attention has been distributed between Superman Returns, Krish and Sabarimala temple.

All three do not deserve the prime ministerial attention.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Sad Sradarji Economist Prime Minister today

A poor farmer pointed the best path to alleviate poverty in the region. Keep your promises!

I feel congress will loose a lot of votes from the middle class this year but I am not sure we will gain a lot of votes from the poor.

I am a Sad Sradarji Economist Prime Minister today.