Monday, November 27, 2006

Panthers and Tigers

Thirumavalavan of Dalit Panthers of India (DPI), was on a daylong hunger strike yesterday against the red-carpet reception given to Rajapakse.

I do not like the word Panthers or Tigers in the name of any organization. They sound very militant. Panthers and Tigers can like each other as much as they want but to me they seem to be man-eaters.

I met the CEOs of a few multinational corporations at home. We had pav wada for a change. Tiwari was at his best. The CEO hissed, as they sucked in air between clamped lips to sooth the tongue that was on fire after the garlic chatni hit the right taste bud. I told then the reform process was on and we have started by giving complete independence to the chief chef of 7, Race Course road. Our reforms have to be inclusive. All Indians must have a role and benefit from it irrespective of how much hissing these guys do.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Sharadchandra Govindrao Pawar

Sharadchandra Govindrao Pawar to resign!. Will allow him to focus more on cricket.

His current assignment as Food and Agriculture Union Minister, with additional charge of Consumer Affairs and the Public Distribution System has been distributed.

Sehwag to get charge of Public Distribution System because it is functioning like the Indian Cricket team.

Tendulkar to get charge of consumer affairs with a couple of billions in endorsements at stake.

Agriculture ministry will shift to South Africa. Moving the agriculture ministry there will get the South African cricketers to play like Indians. This is as per the suggestion from Dalmia.

Profound thought!

“Terrorists know no religion,” I said while addressing a seminar on 'Law, Terrorism and Development' organized in connection with National Law Day.

Brilliant thought is it not? I wowed everyone with my originality, innovation and creative solution! What an profound thought! Thank you.

Did you know that religion may soon be a bigger killer then road accidents and cardiac arrests combined?

Good God. Another match! I am sweating.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Jallianwala Bagh National Memorial Amendment Bill.

I will visit Pakistan soon, Pervez told the press in Pakistan. He always has more information on what I am planning to do.

We had an interesting situation in the parliament. BJP protested, demanding the hanging of Mohammad Afzal and Samajwadi Party protested against the arrest of their MP Abu Azmi in Mumbai. I watched in amusement. In my personal opinion we should send both of them to Baluchistan.

TDP protested with placard, which read, “Livelihood of lakhs of beedi workers should be protected”. Cancer is less painful if it comes without the involvement of ITC.

Culture Minister Ambika Soni managed to introduce the Jallianwala Bagh National Memorial Amendment Bill. What was in it? Darn! Anyone in this country knows what we are going to amend?

WTF! What is this Dhoom 2 picture doing on my blog! We have a nation to run!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Hu tu Hu tu

I am not much of a sports person. I am a Sardarji economist Prime Minister and I will blog like one.

I am concerned as a Prime Minister that our cricket team gets bowled out for 91 runs. I think as much as Infosys has done to build brand India our cricket team has tarnished it. Let me cut the crap. We cannot play mediocre cricket, it hurts brand India. Our diamond and software trade will be hurt! I called up Pawar and told him to take a few cricket lessons.

And you know Hu is here, he called me and mentioned that the Chinese play a lot of sports very well. "You guys play and loose in cricket only eh? You should try Hu tu Hu tu Hu tu…and be world Champions!" he suggested.



Hu says that we should try Hu tu tu Hu tu tu

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Protocol for testing rice!

Ok. Hu and I made the right noises. We discussed protocols for testing rice and iron ore. He did not speak about we blocking Chinese investment into ports and telecom and I did not speak about Dalai Lama.

The top five between me and you know Hu in this meeting:
  • Establishment of Consulates-General at Guangzhou and Kolkata;
  • Bilateral investment protection and promotion;
  • Mechanism to inspect iron ore,
  • Protocol on the phytosanitary requirements regarding the entry of India’s Basmati rice to China;
  • Cooperation in agricultural research

Rice between me and Hu!



I am going to Japan on 15 Dec. I will think about some interesting to discuss with Shinzo Abe by that time. We need to have a protocol for testing rice there too!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Hindi-Chini Bhai-Bhen

This time around we will not call Hindi-Chini Bhai-Bhai as we had called it in 1954. We are not male chauvinist pigs. We call it Hindi-Chini Bhai-Bhen. The question is who is the bhen?

Hu and I chatted nicely for 100 minutes. Out of this, the translators were speaking with each other for 30 minutes. We needed to get it right.

But, it went well. We are going to do a lot of business and maybe we will buy a couple of Chinese nuclear reactors. The Russian Nuclear reactors go into maintenance on arrival, the Chinese sell them in perpetual maintenance condition. Yechury is happy about both these things.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Playful.com

Tiwari dug out a new website for me. It has reported “India paid tribute to late Prime Minister Indira Gandhi on the anniversary of her 89th birthday, celebrated as National Integration Day” Even I did not know about this National Integration day! How do we celebrate this? Bhangra? Garba?

What impressed me the most was the name of the site. It is called playful.com. It has nothing to do with Playboy, Playmate or Playing with anything. It is from Romania. And I know what is going to appear on this website sooner or later. Tiwari found this strategic site on Google news!

Anyway, we are busy with the Chinese. They have told us to shoot any Tibetan who visits Delhi while their President is here.

Shoot the Tibetan!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Ya Hu!

This is plagiarized. I do not remember who said it. I do not want to find out. And on the eve of the Chinese President’s visit I do not want to be sued.

Comparison of the development process between India and China is rather simple.

The Indian journey is a long bumpy road full of potholes, speed breakers, Law makers and NGO, litigation and inclusion to a place, which looks like United States in terms of how the people live and express themselves.

The Chinese process is a smooth ride where you can see a big speed breaker called democracy looming far away near the horizon while driving smoothly at 210 km/hr. Once they hit the speed breaker, maybe in 2015, either they will become Russia or will be Mao(ed)!

I on behalf of all sexy, nerdy, upstart Indians welcome the Chinese President Hu Jintaoto to India. Arjun is welcoming him on behalf of the OBC citizens, Soniaji on behalf of Muslims and Christians and Sharad Pawar on behalf of BCCI. Pawar need not be there, but this is one ceremony where the Australians cannot push him off stage.

BJP has asked the question which the CPI (M) hate, why is Hu coming on 20 November?

20 Nov 1962, when India lost the war!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Nuke Light

Now we wait for US to decide if the poor in India can see the electrical light.

Sad

"With state elections in UP, which has a large Muslim base, scheduled for early next year, the government urgently needed to get back to the table. The Congress party is trying to woo Muslims back to the fold, and peace between India and Pakistan is essential to large sections of Muslims with divided families."

Now what! Is this what I am doing?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Unsecured Air!

A Kuwait Airways airplane strayed into the no-fly zone over my residence. Our airports are on high alert, this has left the airspace above my house free for all. The guy must have decided to not bomb the place as soon as he found out that Soniaji was not here.

Anyway, Lalu wants to be the Prime Minister of India. I am excited about this. Entire nation is excited. The railways are excited. They are running faster than usual. The state of Bihar is excited; there was a 5% increase in Kidnapping. A neighboring state of Utter Pradesh is also excited. They kidnapped the son of the CEO of Adobe. We need a leader like Lalu so that IIM can have plenty of case studies.

Ahem!


Monday, November 13, 2006

Killer cold, Killer bullets and Killer heights

I underwent a routine medical check-up at the All India Institute of Medical Sciences. Arjun came in to ensure that his policy was strictly implemented. The doctors belonging to reserved category examined 55% of my body.

Immediately after the medical examination I decided that Siachen, the highest battlefield should be converted into a mountain of peace by setting up a mountaineering base to promote adventure sports. You can have killer cold, killer bullets and killer heights.

This will leave Pakis in the cold, as all tourists in such a spot are likely to be Americans.


Visit Siachen: Climb Mountains, Shoot People and Feel cool

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Order of Léopold

Soniaji got the Order of Leopold. It is Belgium's second highest civilian award. She got it for her "constructive nationalism" and her efforts to foster a multicultural, tolerant society in India. Most of the Indians have become very tolerant to terrorist attacks and caste based reservation policy under the congress rule. I am surprised that the Belgium Government is the first to recognize this.


Friday, November 10, 2006

Red corner notice against Baluchistan

There are reports of infighting in Dawood's gang. Musharraf apparently is siding with Chota Shakeel. It is going to be a bloody war.

Pakistan's Foreign Secretary Riaz Mohammad Khan is reaching Delhi soon for talks. We actually want to kidnap him and give him the truth serum test. We will ask him “Where is Dawood?” and we want him to slur on live television “In Musharraf’s house”!

This of course is the ideal situation. Since we cannot do this, we have beaten out confession from 137 terrorists and will present these to him. We will then wait for him to go back home, arrest
these 137 chaps and shoot them. Just kidding!! We expect him to go back home, confess on TV that they were involved in terrorist activities and ISI paid them. Kidding again! We expect him to report to Musharraf who will issue a public statement that all terrorist named by the Indians including Dawood are in Baluchistan and Baluchistan has moved to Saudi Arabia by jumping over a couple of countries in its way.

Musharraf has requested the Interpol to issue a red corner notice against Baluchistan for absconding from Pakistan.

Am I kidding?

By the way here is a picture of Ballmer in India. He did this after finding out that Laloo’s son-in-law was once employed by Infosys.

Have a great weekend!

55% of this quality of life is reserved!

United Nations Human Development Index puts India at 126th place out of 177. We are the largest producers of uneducated engineers, doctors and scientist living the lousiest quality of life. 55% of this quality of life is reserved for SC/ST and OBC.


Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Soniaji on Windows Live!

Had a good meeting with Steve Ballmer. He said that Windows Live search is very similar to Google. Try searching “Steve Ballmer” on Google or Live search you get the same first two results. And who see beyond the first two eh?

Really?

I tried this with “Manmohan Singh”. Google returns the first result to my official site and windows Live believes the Wikipedia is more closer to me than my office.

But in case of Sonia Gandhi, both return the same first result www.soniagandhi.org. Why?



Monday, November 06, 2006

Family is against me watching Mujara

I personally did not know Saddam. He was not an economist. Also, since I am no longer running the foreign ministry I need not say anything. I will maintain silence; Sunni Muslims are a part of my electorate.

The Communist Party of India (Marxist) denounced the Iraqi High Tribunal verdict and demanded intervention by the Central government to get it rescinded. Really? You think anyone in this world will listen to my opinion on this?

I am not going to see Umrao Jaan. Family is against me watching Mujara in any form. R R Patil wants to watch it but is afraid that he will have to reopen the dance bars if someone finds out. Tiwari tells me the plot, if set in 2000 was suitable for the dance bars.

Have a great week.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Complete Conductivity Policy

I cannot have a Sardarji bodyguard? Really? I can have Buta Singh, Amarinder Singh, Montek Singh but no Security Singh? Sigh…sad to be a Singh with no Singh to protect me.

We have put Voadodra-Mumbai expressway on the fast track. It will be ready by 2012. So if your kid is in 10th Standard he can drive to Mumbai for his MBA at SP Jain. Petrol will be at Rs.102 per liter by that time. We have also put the petrol prices on the fast track.

We will soon slash tariffs on 217 IT items to 0%. I do not have a complete list of 217 items but I hope DVD writers is one of them, I have wanted to buy it for a year now. Usually, I want to buy the latest American gadget and have no interest in these 217 items. But, as a Prime Minister, it is the nation that matters.

We will also come up with a semiconductor policy. I would want a complete conductivity policy, but you know how the communist are.


Americans search for complete conductivity policy

Saturday, November 04, 2006

A Sardarji Jain

I am a firm believer that Muslim girls should get better education. They get raped and then banished from their villages. Amazing! Better education of rape victims will stop a Muslim panchayat asking her for Rs. 50,000 to stay with her husband!

I just want to know, I am asking Tiwari, I am asking Venkat, I am asking President Kalam, I am asking the Chief justice of India and you. Can these people running the panchayat be arrested for this?

Belgian Prime Minister Guy Verhofstadt is here. He was quite surprised that India does good software. In Antwerp he was told that India was Jain and did diamonds. He thought that I was a Sardarji Jain. Soniaji was an Italian Jain. And President Kalam was a Muslim Jain. A slight confusion in Belgium, which Infosys has not been able to correct.

Friday, November 03, 2006

God's own Country!

Ok. We got it figured out. The taxi driver, Shiju guiding my convoy’s pilot car, took a wrong turn at the Asian Square. A traffic policeman, Bobby, who usually works as a security guard at the nearby apartments, may have guided him to take this twist. Also, the home minister of Kerala was in Delhi while I was in Kerala, says his mother-in-law was running the home department. Usually, the minister informed Reuters, his wife is the home Minister in his absence, but apparently she too was with him in Delhi.

It’s Gods own Country, run by the communist.

God's own people. 100% educated!


Thursday, November 02, 2006

Kerala's new tourist spot

Took a wrong turn and got stuck below an underpass in Kerela. Kerala has interesting tourist places. I just created a new tourist spot there. An underpass where the Sardarji Economist Prime Minister got stuck!

This must be a communist conspiracy to stop my liberalization program.

Communist conspiracy in making!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Iceland to win cricket World Cup

Iceland is expected to win the next cricket World Cup. Iceland has outsourced playing this game to India. BCCI under the able guidance of Sharad Pawar has taken it up. India does it best for other countries and corporations. Building brands, processing insurance or playing cricket for India is most challenging and leads to mediocrity. But we do the best for Oracle and USA!

The infosification of the nation is now complete.

While I am sad that we have infosified, I am glad to be back here on the blog!

Also since Bangalore in now Bengalooru, Wipro is now called Wiproallu or even wipro-kanda will do! Apply some thought and find out!


Iceland, the new champs even look a bit like Australia!