Monday, April 30, 2007

MP and PM from Assam

As you know my term in Rajya Sabha ends on June 14. After that I will be reelected.This is my fourth term from Assam. I have also visited this state 4 times.

Tiwari wanted to know why, for gods sake why, has AOL launched aol.in! A portal for India? Amazing! The only portal we want is which takes us outside the country...on anyones passport..

Sunday, April 29, 2007

3,500-year-old investment

Tiwari passed me this link from rediff.com. The title is 3,500-year-old investment tips that still work! by Akhilesh Tilotia of PARK Financial Advisors. I was so impressed by this that I decided that the whole nation should know about it. So here it goes on a Sunday morning:

  1. Pay yourself first - Before you pay others for the services that they give you, you should save money for yourself. You are working for yourself and not just for paying your bills
  2. Make your money work harder -Indians typically 'save' a lot -- as demonstrated by the savings to GDP ratio of around 30%. However, in many cases, savings do not translate into investments, which earn returns. Leaving money in the savings account for a rainy day is not investment. Such savings are like impotent people, who are progressively eaten away by age -- and inflation.
  3. Take calculated risks -- but do take them - Depending on your circumstances, you should define the amount and nature of risks that you can take. If you are nearing your retirement and have painstakingly built your nest-egg over your working life, it is important for you to ensure safety of your principal. Conversely, if you are young and without responsibilities, you can risk your savings for higher returns.
  4. Be persistent - There will be shocks on the way, but it is important that your savings are working for you
Amazingly simple. Now that you have acquired the gyan...start implementing it. This is where our nation fails. We are a nation of consultants and critics. All know the way but do not know how to drive.


Saturday, April 28, 2007

Olympic Bhawan

Inaugurated the Indian Olympic Bhawan. Olympics? India? Tiwari should not schedule such appointments for me.

Here is my take on how to popularize a few unpopular sports in India:
  1. The lowest level has the highest price. The winner of Andheri sports meet should get Rs 1 million while the medal winners for a Mahrashtra state meet should get Rs 200,000
  2. TV news channel to get a tax rebate if they interview one sports person other that an cricketer each day
  3. Rs 10 Cr reward if one wins any medal in gymnastics in the next 10 years.
  4. Cricket to have OBC/ST/SC reservation as per the guidelines for the central education institutes.
  5. Bookies to be given amnesty if they organize betting around athletic events.

Friday, April 27, 2007

1 Trillion Dollar Economy

Our nation under the rule of the Secular Congress party lead by our beloved leader Shrimati Sonia Gandhi backed by intelligent and innovative support from Communist parties lead by Comrade Sitaram Yechury and Comrade Prakash Karat has joined the US $ 1 trillion GDP club.

The U.K. is the only economy to stop being a trillion-dollar economy for a while after attaining the status the first time, India is likely to be the second.

At my request Petroleum Minister Murli Deora, made an unscheduled stopover at Tehran and met President Ahmadinejad. He told Ahmadinejad that he can sell his gas anywhere for a higher price but if they do not honour 2005 contract to sell 5 million tonnes of LNG to India he will loose credibility in Secular India. A pointless threat to a country which is taking on USA but what the F ..we cannot let it pass can we?

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Book Release

I released a collection of Parliamentary Speeches of Maulana Syed Asad Madani. He was a fine product of our freedom struggle and composite culture I told the audience at the Fida-e-Millat Seminar on “Hazarat Maulana Syed Asad Madani: Life and Contribution.”

If you are asking the question who was Maulana Syed Asad Madani and will try a Wikipedia search next, please do not waste your time...but do let me know who he was as he was definitely important enough for me to release a book on his speeches.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

OBC issue resolved

A high caste teacher has developed an innovative method of converting low caste students to high caste students. Just sprinkle cow urine on them. WOW! I should have thought of this. But, I am Sardarji Economist Prime Minister. Anyway, I have asked the constitutional experts if we can air sprinkle cow urine on the entire nation and eliminate the current crises of reservation for OBC.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Fresh Monday

I have declared today a Fresh Monday. I wanted to call it a Taza Monday, but Tiwari told me that Taza is someones brand and I should only endorse brands from companies run by the minorities.

I am having a fresh look at the Indo-US nuclear deal and UP elections. I have taken a fresh decision that Rahul is the future of UP and Soniaji the future of India. I also freshly feel that you can use religion for political gain only if you are from the minority. Other than that I am going to have a fresh look at human trafficking to find out if any more Kaurs or Singhs are involved. I am also having a fresh look at visiting Pakistan and I have taken a fresh decision again of not visiting our neighbor this year.

Have a great week.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Murli Smiles

I remember IIM-Ahmedabad director Bakul Dholakia upset with the 2004 directive from Dr.Murli Manohar Joshi to reduce the fees for IIM. All had come down like a ton of bricks on the Right Wing Hindu Nationalist leader.

I am very grateful to the directors of the IIMs for their support. My secular, communist backed government is very thankful to all of them for implementing the quota for OBC and putting the admissions of IIM on indefinite hold till we resolve issues.

I haven't seen Murli smiling like this for a long time. What's so funny eh?

Friday, April 20, 2007

Mukesh turns 50



Mukesh has scheduled his birthday close to the Abhi-Ash wedding, Tiwari remarked this morning. I have not been invited for Mukesh's bash nor for the Abhi-Ash wedding. Soniaji, I am sure has got the invites for both.

Incidentally, the main event for the bash by Muskeshbhai was a cricket match. This is sad. They should have played hockey or kabadi...anything but cricket. This would have been their contribution to building a brand for other sports. In anycase none of them knew that LBW stands for Lets Beat Wal-Mart.


Thursday, April 19, 2007

Katara with Kaur!

Babubhai Katara was caught trying to take a woman called Paramjeet Kaur to Toronto on his wife's passport. Katara is an BJP MP from Gujarat. I am thrilled he is such a creep. Paramjeet Kaur is a Sardarni! I am shattered! Why do all Sardars want to be in Canada?


Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Indian deaths

Advaniji called up. He is a bit peeved of the way Gujaratis are treated by Ugandians. He is also upset of the way Gujaratis are treated by NDTV and CNN-IBN. But that is another story. Indians cannot be killed for their entrepreneurial abilities. I as a Sardarji Economist Prime Minister will never let this pass.

Incidentally two Indians have also died in the shooting at Virgina Tech. One of them,26-year-old Minal Panchal is a Gujarati. Will Advaniji tell me to call up George Bush? And will I have the guts to do that? I will have to check with Soniaji.

I do not think I can let Indians be killed by depressed Koreans in USA. I will call up the chairman of LG to do something about this. He may listen to me. And the Indian press can report that I acted on the shooting of Indian in USA.

"The lady from an impoverished Orbassano family who is still visibly uncomfortable with the ways of her adopted home has indeed come a long way after winning Rajiv Gandhi’s heart in the vicinity of Cambridge some four decades back" This is the mouth piece of RSS speaking through some other orifice in the body.
Soniaji is missing the Carnevale 2007 in Orbassano due to elections in UP as per RSS.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Evidence of secularism in Gujarat

FIFA President Joseph “Sepp” Blatter, is here on his first official visit. He is expected to meet me, the bookies and the underworld to request better focus on the worlds favorite game.

When a Hindu minor girl elopes with a adult Muslim boy, both from Surat, I feel that there is still hope for Gujarat. It is likely that Narendrabhai will investigate as to how these two managed to meet in the first place. Also, if these two could meet and fall in love, then isn't Gujarat a secular state? Finally some evidence of secularism under Modiraj.


Monday, April 16, 2007

Future of UP

Rahul Gandhi is the future of UP I told the collection of gawking spectators at Afzalgarh. Congress men in the party are upset. Future of UP only? Am I trying to marginalize him? I hope Soniaji is not upset about my statement.

But Rahul has international ambitions. "You know that when any member of my family had decided to do anything, he does it. Be it the freedom struggle, the division of Pakistan or taking India to the 21st century," he said at an election rally in Badaun. Pakistani establishment is delighted. An admission that India interfered in the internal matters of Pakistan in 1971 which in turn, I suppose this gives them the right to interfere in Kashmir.

How does one contest an election in UP. Tiwari says it is by understanding CRM. Caste, Religion and Muslims. You have to understand Muslim vote separately from the other religious votes.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

National Islamic University

Cuban Foreign Minister Felipe PĂ©rez Roque is here. I welcomed him to India. Thanked him for being non-aligned towards America. We too are non-aligned towards a lot of countries like Pakistan, China etc...

The Cuban press has published that Cuban delegation attended a Cuba solidarity event at the National Islamic University in Delhi. National Islamic University? Where is this in Delhi? Shit, Tiwari just informed me that Jamia Millia Islamia means the same!

We generally like Cuba. It is inconsequential in most of the areas. We doubled the number of technical scholarship to their students and agreed to waive $62 million of commercial debt. We are basically going after the oil in Cuba.

Meanwhile, I am in UP campaigning for the rights of secular people
. I will be addressing meetings in Bijnore and Pilibhit Districts. If you are an Indian middle class urbanite, you will not be aware of the existence of these districts, but these are the districts which determine who rules the nation.

How are you feeling this Sunday? Good? Let me screw it. A five-month pregnant patient, battling with cancer, was brutally raped at Tata Memorial Hospital! I have always had a feeling that we are a nation of sexually deprived male sex maniacs, this is just more evidence.


Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Secular Sex

"In a country where many believed that culture would protect the population from HIV/AIDS, the number of cases today exceeds 5.2 million, surpassing South Africa, afflicting its most productive age-group, and posing a formidable threat to its galloping growth rate" Yes, this is someone talking about India. Sex is one thing which is secular!

I have finally got hold of the content on the controversial VCD by BJP. It is quite nasty. Since The Hindu is headquartered in Tamil Nadu it has no problem publishing explicit details of this. Most of the secular press has not published this. Oh, yes, The Hindu is part of the secular Tamil press which is different from the secular national press.

Samajwadi Party (SP) remains the only major political outfit in Uttar Pradesh, which has not approached the EC against the BJP. They want to approach the EC against the Congress but Chawla is apparently my man. I did not know this.


Secular Election Commissioner - My man Chawla!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Recognition of BJP

As my party, BSP, CPM and Jan Moarch mount pressure on the election commission to derecognize BJP the only party which seems to be gaining any advantage in UP elections is the BJP. We look haplessly secular. We are a pro-secular party and we should stress this by releasing a CD which is pro-Quota and pro-Muslim.

Our nation is quite secular in areas of child abuse
. 53% of children in India face some form of abuse. This is a totally secular activity which is irrespective of religious beliefs, caste or language.

The survey also reviled that 48.4% of girls wished they were boys. Mistake girls. With the current male to female ratio in your favor it is only a matter of time when all boys will want to be girls. Karan Johar may have already taken the first step in this direction.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Judicisouly warning the Judiciary

"The dividing line between judicial activism and judicial overreach is a thin one" I told the audience while looking at Chief Justice KG Balakrishnan.

The constitution is like a religious book. Many interpretations. Depending on where you come from the Quran and the Gita show different principles to different people.

For a Sardarji Economist Prime Minister all interpretations should lead to votes.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Tyre Kiska Tha?

Pranab is fine. But India has joined the list of countries like Rwanda, Sierra Leone, Liberia where a Foreign Minister, I mean a real Foreign Minister can have a road accident. India is a country of diverse potential and can get into any list at surprising levels. It will have the lowest ranking in the list for human development but its main export will be manpower.

Now I understand from my sources that a truck's tyres burst and its driver lost control ramming into Pranab's car. I have a few questions for my team here at 7 Race Course:

1. If it is so simple to ram a truck into the FM's car, how have my ministers survived so far?
2. Do you think Laskar-e-Toiba will buy a few trucks now?
3. What was the make of the truck and what was the make of the tyre that burst?

Incidentally, around the time Pranab's car was being rammed I was preaching the SPG. I was telling them "In a democratic society it is imperative that the top political leadership should not only be easily accessible, but also visible and freely heard by the public at large"...and by trucks at times eh?Shorium, Samarpanam, Suraksham ....are trucks included?

I am off to Assam. I will lay the foundations of a new road bridge over the Brahmaputra river and the Assam Gas Cracker Project. All trucks will be kept off the road for the next two days. It is Easter in Assam.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

American Idol

American Idol is not the right thing to blog about during UP Elections. But, I cannot help it! I am a Sardarji. Indian media is totally ignoring Sanjaya Malakar being humiliated, accused and insulted on American Idol for his mediocre singing. By the end of this season of American Idol, Indians will remember that one desi made it to the final, but will have no idea that many Americans fasted to get him out of the show. This will fuel the Indian perceptions that Desis are now taking on the world. Reality bites! Come to my office and I will show you how important desis are in the world.

There is a similarity between American Idol and UP elections. Just try to put on 20 years and a mustache on Sanjaya and you might just see Amar Singh!

By the way, Muslims remain a minority in UP. So does the congress party!

Meanwhile Benazir has revised her autobiography
. She now claims to have received offers from General Musharraf to take over Srinagar. General Musharraf, unfortunately, seems to have had second thoughts since then and has taken over Pakistan.


Friday, April 06, 2007

Minority Majority

Of late I have been experiencing some difficulties with blogging here. The main reason is that I do not feel as intelligent and funny as I used to feel when I became the PM. I also do not feel like an economist when I meet folks from CPI(M). I feel very much like a PM from the minority community when I meet folks from BJP.

Not feeling intelligent is terrible for the nation as I have put limits on the size SEZ. I will also consider putting limits on profits, growth and income. All these will curb the Great Indian corporate conspiracy to steal from the farmers.

The Uttar Pradesh government is unhappy about Allahabad high court's opinion that Muslims are not a religious minority in the state. They are their major vote bank! How can they not be a minority?


The minority majority in UP


Well all said and done, America and Europe are on a big holiday. This is a common Friday which Muslims and Christian share peacefully. On this Good Friday only the poor Hindus and Sardars are slogging their butt off!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

More evidence

Soniaji has been invited for the Aishwarya Rai-Abhishek Bachchan wedding. I have been not. More evidence that she is the PM in the Bachchan household.

Abhi -Aish karna mana

SAARC is the most ignored regional submit. Sometimes I too forget it. And honestly, it is stupid to schedule it around a more important event like the UP elections.


Monday, April 02, 2007

April Fool

Indians are experts at fooling themselves. We keep living under an illusion that we are smarter and better than the Chinese. But we loose to Bangladesh.

I have decided to make a difference in the life of all Indians this summer. We will cut power supply across the nation based on timings of television serials.

It does feel good to be back on the blog after a long time. Let the summer roll!